First Date Jitters

Have you ever heard the quote that intelligent women are often single for longer periods of time because they know what they're looking for and aren't willing to settle? I am a firm believer in that. Knowing what you want in a partner and having the courage to wait until you meet someone who satisfies your expectations is difficult but well-worth it. I'm currently in the best relationship that I've ever experienced and I know that's due, in part, because I waited until I found someone who met my expectations. I'm so grateful that I didn't force a relationship with anyone I met along the way because I know that I was meant to be where I was, mentally, when I met this one.

There's so much pressure on a first date. It's supposed to be fun, but we over-think things to the point where it seems like things have to be perfect for it to even be worth it. When it comes to dates, we can't get the image of what we want for our future out of our heads, but how are you supposed to realistically meet someone new if you're putting that much pressure on the relationship? It's so hard to be logical about first dates. Everything that the other person says or does is over-analyzed and you keep questioning the compatibility between the two of you. Our imaginary checklists are being scrutinized. Do you know what checklists I'm talking about? Everyone has a list of standards that they're looking for in a partner. When we date someone for the first time, we spend the beginning encounters analyzing moves and checking criteria off of our metaphorical list. A few of my qualities included athleticism, ambition, education, family-man, etc. On various dates, I'd take information that I heard like, "I go home a few times a week for family dinner," and check off the "family-man" qualification from my list.

Is this realistic? NO. Is it a waste of our time? Not necessarily. It's entirely possible to date someone and live an incredibly happy life together without having all of your qualifications met. What are the odds that you'll be perfectly satisfied with all of the qualities that your partner shows? So, while these lists shouldn't make or break a great first date, they are things to keep in mind. Obviously you care about certain things for a reason. If you think that you won't be happy with someone who refuses to travel with you, then keep in mind that an incredibly successful relationship with the person you're seeing won't work if you want to go to Europe once a year and he never wants to leave the state. Recognize that some things can be negotiated whereas others are pretty firm. I dated someone who never wanted to have kids. I want to have a large family. That relationship didn't last long.

First dates aren't a time for you to be making sure that everything on your check-list is met. Especially if it's your first date in a very long time. I think that rebounds are necessary. Not one-night-stand rebounds, but emotional dating-rebounds. When you get out of a very serious relationship, you need to realize that you'll find love again. You need to find a connection with another individual and feel the spark of chemistry. Just because you feel it though, doesn't mean that he's the person you're going to be happy with forever. We're too vulnerable when we're out of a recent relationship. We're searching too hard for a replacement to our happily-ever-after instead of just finding happiness in the moment. We force the date to be the perfect scenario so that the man can fit into the void that was just left empty. Relationships that start off this way will never work.

My advice: take the pressure off of the first date. Especially if you're coming out of a long relationship. Just have fun. Unless he does something ridiculous,  stop worrying about whether or not he could qualify as you soulmate, because chances are, you need to just emotionally move on before you can even consider finding someone again. We force physical and mental characteristics on the other person if we're too focused on making sure that they are everything that we want them to be. If you take the pressure off, you'll be able to get to know each other without worrying about forever. Trust me when I say, if there is a forever with this person, it's healthier to start off by not worrying about what the future holds.