O R L A N D O S T R O N G

I’ve spent the last five days searching for answers, trying to fill this hole in my heart, attempting to achieve a sense of peace after reading the news of the massacre.

No amount of information fills this emptiness that I feel. I search for updates, track donation sites, watch interviews of survivors. It’s not enough. And here is why.

I have the overwhelming desire to reach you, comfort you, hold you. You, the survivor. You, who lost your son. You, whose life is forever changed because of one unfortunate night.

No amount of money, publicity or answers will be enough to comfort you. That tragic night will forever be with you, and for that I am sorry. I’m sorry that you will never be the same as you were minutes before he walked into that bar. I’m sorry that your life is now defined by that night.

I know that my words will not bring you back to before the shooting, but I want you to know that you are not alone. I stand with you as you heal. I stand with you as you mourn, I stand with you as you defend your right to love who you love. 

I have cried with you. I have mourned with you. Nothing will make you whole right now, but please know that when you feel incomplete because of what has happened to you, I am here to make up the difference. I will stand by you. I will work for you. I will. I will complete you when you can’t find yourself to be whole on your own.

This act of violence was against all of us. You were my brother. You were my sister. You were attacked. I was attacked. We will get through this together. 

It could have been me. It could have been anyone. I’m sorry that it was you. You are not alone.

The Cliché of Living in the Moment

Someone in my life recently told me something that I haven't been able to let go of. For the duration of this post, I'm going to call her "Patty." Patty is in her 40's. She is happily married and has two teenage children. Patty and I were talking about my future and I expressed my strong desire to be finished with school and to "start my life." Patty told me about how she remembered feeling that way. She explained how every memorable point in her life, the occasions that I am looking forward to in my life, flew by faster than she ever imagined.

Years ago, Patty bought a starter home with her husband. She moved when she got pregnant into a second home. She and her husband expected to move to a third and larger home after just a few short years. Fifteen years later, she and her husband are still in that second home. They never found the time to move. They had the means and they had the desire, but one day turned into one week and one week turned into a few months...year after year flew by and now instead of thinking about larger homes, Patty and her husband are considering downsizing because the kids will be out of the house soon. Patty got tears in her eyes when she told me about how time seems to accelerate as you get older. All of these moments that she experienced were gone before she ever took a moment to truly appreciate them.

I'm always just looking towards the next big moment. I've heard the cliche phrases: "Live in the moment," "Appreciate every day for all it is," "Don't waste today worrying about tomorrow." The problem is that my personality doesn't cater to that mindset. When I was in high school, I couldn't wait to be in college. In college, I couldn't wait to graduate. Now I'm in Law School and I can't wait to be working. I'm sure that when I'm working, I will be counting down until marriage and kids. The next step is always on my radar and the countdown until the next big thing is what dominates my days. I am constantly planning for the future. I know what I am eating for dinner, what I will be doing over the summer, and what the guest bedroom will look like in the apartment I'm moving into in August. If there was an award for planning down to the smallest detail, I would be a strong candidate for the win. It's wonderful that I have my life together in this way but am I missing out on the "living" aspect of life by thinking like this?

I'm beginning to believe that my countdowns force me to overlook my days. I don't want to be like Patty. I don't want to look back at my life when I'm 40 and get teary-eyed thinking about how fast it went. I want to appreciate everything that has yet to happen to me.

Being in a long-distance relationship has been both rewarding and challenging. Our time together is so precious. We look forward to being reunited but then the time just goes by so quickly. The past 9 months for me have been spent counting down until we're together, hardly realizing when we finally are, and then starting a new countdown without realizing what happened or where the time went when we could be together.

I just returned from a trip to visit my boyfriend in Austin, Texas. I leave my visits with him wishing that I had appreciated our time together more. Usually after a trip with him, when I look back, I realize that my head was always on our next activity. The time together flies by because I'm always ten steps ahead.

This past visit, I vowed that I would change my habits and appreciate everything instead of looking back after the trip with regret. When I was there, I had the opportunity to look forward to the next big thing. I was so excited about different dinners or events that we were going to go to and the excitement could have easily clouded the present moments. Instead, I took the time to recognize how blessed I am. I would find myself glancing at the clock and wishing for it to be time to go to our next meeting but when those thoughts came, I would force myself to instead consider how lucky I was to just be with my best friend in a grocery store line or to appreciate that we were in the same car together- something that I take for granted when I'm back in Michigan. I trained my thoughts to recognize and see my current blessings instead of think about my next desires.

It's not an easy process. I didn't know how to live in the moment when every fiber of my being wanted me to plan for the big and small parts of my future. Redirecting my thoughts took a lot of will power and even more self-awareness. I haven't solved my problem and I don't know if I'll look back with regret when I'm older. I will say though, for all you planners out there, it is possible. And it is so completely worth it. I don't feel regret about this last trip. I don't feel anxious about wanting to see him again. I'm happy and I feel blessed. I feel like my current, every-day life is amazing. Despite having to sit through Tax class, I know that in five years I will look back at this current moment, longing for the time when I was in law school. This awareness for the current moment helps me appreciate things as mundane as Tax class. I urge you to appreciate today for what it is, both the good and bad parts. Not just acknowledging the cliché phrase that you've often heard, but because you owe it to yourself to act in a way that won't cause you to think back about your past and get tears in your eyes at age 40, wishing that it all hadn't gone by so quickly.

First Date Jitters

Have you ever heard the quote that intelligent women are often single for longer periods of time because they know what they're looking for and aren't willing to settle? I am a firm believer in that. Knowing what you want in a partner and having the courage to wait until you meet someone who satisfies your expectations is difficult but well-worth it. I'm currently in the best relationship that I've ever experienced and I know that's due, in part, because I waited until I found someone who met my expectations. I'm so grateful that I didn't force a relationship with anyone I met along the way because I know that I was meant to be where I was, mentally, when I met this one.

There's so much pressure on a first date. It's supposed to be fun, but we over-think things to the point where it seems like things have to be perfect for it to even be worth it. When it comes to dates, we can't get the image of what we want for our future out of our heads, but how are you supposed to realistically meet someone new if you're putting that much pressure on the relationship? It's so hard to be logical about first dates. Everything that the other person says or does is over-analyzed and you keep questioning the compatibility between the two of you. Our imaginary checklists are being scrutinized. Do you know what checklists I'm talking about? Everyone has a list of standards that they're looking for in a partner. When we date someone for the first time, we spend the beginning encounters analyzing moves and checking criteria off of our metaphorical list. A few of my qualities included athleticism, ambition, education, family-man, etc. On various dates, I'd take information that I heard like, "I go home a few times a week for family dinner," and check off the "family-man" qualification from my list.

Is this realistic? NO. Is it a waste of our time? Not necessarily. It's entirely possible to date someone and live an incredibly happy life together without having all of your qualifications met. What are the odds that you'll be perfectly satisfied with all of the qualities that your partner shows? So, while these lists shouldn't make or break a great first date, they are things to keep in mind. Obviously you care about certain things for a reason. If you think that you won't be happy with someone who refuses to travel with you, then keep in mind that an incredibly successful relationship with the person you're seeing won't work if you want to go to Europe once a year and he never wants to leave the state. Recognize that some things can be negotiated whereas others are pretty firm. I dated someone who never wanted to have kids. I want to have a large family. That relationship didn't last long.

First dates aren't a time for you to be making sure that everything on your check-list is met. Especially if it's your first date in a very long time. I think that rebounds are necessary. Not one-night-stand rebounds, but emotional dating-rebounds. When you get out of a very serious relationship, you need to realize that you'll find love again. You need to find a connection with another individual and feel the spark of chemistry. Just because you feel it though, doesn't mean that he's the person you're going to be happy with forever. We're too vulnerable when we're out of a recent relationship. We're searching too hard for a replacement to our happily-ever-after instead of just finding happiness in the moment. We force the date to be the perfect scenario so that the man can fit into the void that was just left empty. Relationships that start off this way will never work.

My advice: take the pressure off of the first date. Especially if you're coming out of a long relationship. Just have fun. Unless he does something ridiculous,  stop worrying about whether or not he could qualify as you soulmate, because chances are, you need to just emotionally move on before you can even consider finding someone again. We force physical and mental characteristics on the other person if we're too focused on making sure that they are everything that we want them to be. If you take the pressure off, you'll be able to get to know each other without worrying about forever. Trust me when I say, if there is a forever with this person, it's healthier to start off by not worrying about what the future holds.

Moving On

Have you ever had that friend who is just perpetually single? Well, before my last relationship, that was me. I think there's a unique sense of enlightenment that comes to those who witness friend after friend go through relationships while you stay single. There's a certain amount of knowledge that you obtain because you get to experience the good and the bad without having to feel the heartache.

A good friend once said that relationships are what make life unique. I would agree. The problem is that in order to find meaningful relationships that will last a lifetime, you need to let go of the ones that won't.

So what's the best way to move on? From my experience, both witnessing and experiencing breakups, these are the tips that I would say are the most helpful to moving on:

Disclaimer: I am still happily in my oh-so-wonderful relationship with the Texan. Consider this a PSA for all my newly single friends.

ONE: Stop talking about it to everyone: it's perfectly healthy to talk to your closest friends or family about why it's time for you to move on or the struggles that you're facing. It's not, however, healthy to discuss every update with every person that you come into contact with. If moving on is what you're trying to do, then take the person out of your vocabulary as much as possible. It's not enough to stop seeing the person, you need to also kick them out of your head. How could you ever meet someone new and give them a fair chance if your ex is still taking up so much space in your thoughts?

TWO: Don't talk badly about the other person: this one is so difficult because the first reaction after a breakup is to be pissed. Focusing on the negatives and using your precious time to relay negative information to friends only makes your ex's presence more prominent in your life. You aren't hurting them by talking about all of the bad things, you're hurting yourself. Focusing on all the bad that happened will only upset you more. If you were able to come to the decision that it's best to move on from someone, then you're working towards your best interests. Focusing on things that will upset you will only take away from that progress. 

THREE: End all communication: this one is the most obvious, yet the most cheated. Communication with an ex will only do one of the following: (1) open the door to explore a possibility of things working out, when you already decided they shouldn't, (2) allow your heart to believe that things aren't as bad as they are, which won't last, or (3) postpone the bitter heartache, which you'll have to feel eventually. No matter what outcome you're hoping for, if you reached the conclusion that a relationship was not healthy for you, then you shouldn't be talking...through any forum.

FOUR: Don't let yourself think about it: even if you end all communication and have stopped discussing it, you still need to be able to control your thoughts. This one is the most difficult. It's so hard to get over someone when everything makes you think of them. After your anger subsides, the sadness kicks in and you remember all the good times. It's easy to pass the restaurant that you had your fist date at and let yourself relive the moment when you first felt butterflies. Don't. Don't let your mind go there. Yes, they may be happy memories, and yes, you may need to allow yourself to believe that it wasn't all bad. But that can come later. When you're over him, you can remember everything you went through with as much fondness as you want. During the process of getting over him though, just don't let yourself go there. Thinking about the good times and allowing yourself the memories of what was good will only weaken your resolve towards why things needed to end in the first place. 

FIVE: Stay busy: being alone allows your mind to wander to what once was. You feel lonely so you remember a time when you weren't. The times that you weren't lonely were most likely the good times and not the bad. When you focus on the good times, you forget why you ended things in the first place. If you can keep your body busy then your mind will follow. 

SIX: Embrace your fears: yes, you will be afraid that you won't love again. You'll fear that you'll be alone forever or that you let go of the best relationship that you could have had in this lifetime. There's no point in fighting that fear because no matter how rational you try to be or how many people tell you otherwise, those fears will still be present until you find someone else. The tricky part is that you can't find someone else while the fear still runs your life. If you're terrified that you won't ever find someone, then when you do, you won't be able to love with an open mind and heart because you'll be too focused on your fears. Embrace them. Know that so many people are right there with you. If you embrace the fact that you're scared of that future, you can come to terms with your irrational thoughts and become more stable in the dating process. 

SEVEN: Find happiness in the little things: it will start small. You might feel a flicker of happiness because a passing stranger smiled at you during a day when you've had enough. Eventually, you'll start to feel excitement about making plans with friends and getting out of the house. The things that you find happiness in will become more and more frequent until the happiness outweighs the sadness. Recognize that the sadness is normal but don't let it take over your life. Know that you can move on.

Finally and most importantly, don't forget. A relationship that once meant so much to you is now over. That means that the negative outweighed the positive for one or both of you. When looking back, it's easier to remember the good times because the bad isn't happening at that moment. You have to stay strong, though. You have to remember why letting go was the best for you and you have to know that you'll find love again. Because I promise, you will. Just remember that the easiest and fastest way to get there is by moving on. 

Saying Goodbye

I recently had to let go of a best friend because she was too toxic to my life. I really don't even like to post something on this topic. I think that too much time spent on negative thoughts is bad for one's well being. But it's also important to realize when something is more hurtful than helpful in your life. Sometimes it's necessary to say goodbye to people who are toxic. It's sad to say goodbye and it's hard to come to a realization that a once good friend could now be so bad for you, but trust me when I tell you that it's worth it in the end.

As an extravert, I've had a lot of friendships in my life. Some have been fantastic, some were out of of convenience, and some have been just bad for me. It takes a lot to be able to admit to yourself that a specific friendship is no longer in your best interest. It's even harder to think that a friendship that was once fantastic is now just bad. It's unnatural to think that human contact can result in negativity when our instinct is to be there for one another. Some past friends have measured the quality of our relationship solely by how often we spoke. I don't think that friendship should be measured by how many times a week you communicate. One friend in particular, when we finally did speak, I walked away feeling worse about my life. I told her about boys, jobs, and future plans and her comments were, "hm, well we never had the same taste in men," or "well...I don't really know what to say about that." I felt the need to constantly justify my actions to her. This girl always made it clear that her approval needed to be earned, but I reached the point where I was sick of trying to earn it. I tried to reorganize my thoughts to please her until I realized that my own happiness never needed her approval.

I don't have any ill wishes against this girl. I hope that she finds happiness and I hope that she'll be capable of becoming a true friend with genuine intentions, she just wasn't that for me. Maybe she's already capable of this. Maybe it was just our relationship. No matter what, our friendship together became toxic. Regardless of whether or not she is a good friend to someone else or if some of the issue was my fault, I can't have that in my life right now. 

Sometimes I miss her. I see pictures and wonder how she's doing. It's difficult not to reach out but I believe that breaking up with friends should be treated similarly to breaking up with a boyfriend. I've deleted her from my Snapchat and I've hidden her Facebook. I have no reminders of our friendship. Someday, I'll remember the good times we shared but right now, I need to move on. In the future I hope to see her happy. I hope she's successful. I want to be able to talk to her. Right now I just can't watch her day to day activity. It's too difficult when I know that I'm not a part of it anymore. Obsessing and checking someone's Facebook is allowing them into your life again. You might be doing it from the privacy of your bedroom, but it's not the world that matters, it's yourself. Allowing that person to become relevant in your thoughts when you need to be moving on only prolongs you getting over things. I know that I'm happy and more importantly, I know that without her in my life, I'm happier. 

Why Date?

It’s so hard to meet people. That’s something that I’ve both heard and experienced. Generations are becoming more and more jaded towards traditional dating. It's usually more creepy than flattering when a man approaches a woman. Having social media and the internet at our fingertips has allowed us to think that everything we could want is right there. Dating websites have become more prevalent because the use of smart phones has taken away the chance of random encounters. We live in an age when it’s rare to be asked on a date, let alone actually go to dinner. I have friends in their mid-twenties who have never been on a formal date. I know women who are struggling to meet someone because it's just so impossible to force these experiences. 

Have you ever heard the statement that when you send a girl a text message you should also consider it sent to all of her friends? Unfortunately, there is too much truth to that. Don't get me wrong; I believe that a lot of discussions and experiences should be shared just between the two people in a relationship. However...my girlfriends know much more about my relationship than I think my boyfriend would ever assume. Truthfully that goes for any girl in my group of friends. We all know and talk about our relationships and experiences openly. It's how we bond. It's both a therapy session and entertainment. Women have always shared secrets and communicated this way but as times are changing, so are the means to communicate. It's much more accessible to tell my friends about the boyfriend when he does something cute.

Twenty years ago, I would have had to stockpile all of my stories for the next time that the ladies and I were all together. Now, we have a group text and it's used more frequently than any other contact in my phone. This means that cute moments and funny messages that are deemed worth sharing get sent moments after they're received. The amount of screenshot messages that we share amongst ourselves would be truly terrifying to any male.

It's become so normal to me to have this outlet that sometimes I forget how much it hinders our everyday lives. We forget that some things aren't meant to be shared. When we're together, it's still a great time, but maybe by living through the texting communication, we're taking away from social interactions that could enhance our friendships.

As someone who has to endure a long-distance relationship, I do appreciate that the boyfriend and I can talk over every form of social media. I think that this would be much more difficult if we didn't communicate through email, Trivia Crack, Facebook, text, FaceTime and telephone calls (obsessive, no?) But I still think it's so important that we realize where our generation is heading and why it may not be the best for our relationships in the future. Understanding and appreciating the classic foundation building may be an essential key to happier futures. Too often, couples become involved without having any meaningful face to face communication and it's quite unfortunate.

The negativity of this post is stemmed from my frustration in the struggle that many of my closest friends are dealing with. I was one of the lucky ones and my relationship began with the two of us forming a foundation during various dates. My heart goes out to my friends as they struggle to meet someone significant and I wish that things were easier. I wish that it wasn't necessary to try to push a connection with the AT&T Customer Service Rep (this happened) because options are so limited. I love technology as much as the next Millennial child but maybe, just maybe, we're missing out on really great opportunities because society has started to offer us too any technological options.

7 Tips to Succeed in Law School

I'm in the middle of my second term of law school and while it's a crazy adventure with deadlines and sleepless nights, the one thing that I want to emphasize is this: it's not as difficult as everyone tells you.

Law school is a unique kind of grad school. It requires a lot of reading and even more arguing. You're encouraged to disagree with the teacher (so long as you can back up your argument.) You will challenge your own beliefs and question yourself. Applying the law to an argument that you need to win is both frustrating and invigorating. I can promise you this: if you're planning on embarking on the journey that is law school, you will change. I believe that it's possible to negatively change, but if you hold on to who you are and what you believe, it's absolutely possible to become a far better version of yourself.

From everything that I've learned, here are 7 easy tips to know before going in to law school in order to have a great time and succeed:

ONE: Know Yourself
So much of the first term is spent comparing yourself to your peers. I constantly asked if I was studying enough or if my outline was right. At the end of the day, I had to determine what was right for me. That happened to be many colorful, disjointed, and handwritten outlines. One friend would use flashcards and another friend wouldn't need an outline at all. There's no reason to compare yourself to your peers because in the end, you have to remember the information and only you know your own brain. If possible, try to start your law school journey knowing what study techniques work best for you.

TWO: Get involved
A lot of students think that it's wise to not get involved in their first term in order to focus on studying. My personal belief is quite the opposite. I think that you should get as involved as you want in your first term. Keep in mind that you need to study and put school first but the more you're involved and the more your face is seen, the more you'll be thought of for projects and opportunites. Meeting and knowing people opens doors. I will never regret getting too involved and yet I know friends who regret not getting more involved.

THREE: Plan Ahead
Whether you're doing law school in 2 years or 5 years, plan ahead. Know what classes you want to take and what clubs you want to get involved in. If you have no idea, then learn more so that you'll be able to decide. A lot of clubs have prerequisite classes. Many organizations are really great resume builders depending on what future you see. Put together a law school bucket list and start asking about what you need to do to achieve it.

FOUR: Use the Resources
All of the advisors and resources are there for you. If you have a free search engine, learn how to use it. The better that you understand Westlaw or Nexis, the more marketable you'll be when you need to get a job. Meet with the advisors and teachers. Get all of your questions answered and polish your resume while you still have professionals who will help. Many students don't take advantage of everything that a law school offers as part of the educational journey.

FIVE: Don't Feel Stupid
It's okay if you don't know what a plaintiff is. It's acceptable if you need to ask why jurisdictions matter. Don't feel stupid if you have to ask the professor or fellow students a question. If you're thinking it, chances are that others are as well anyways. If a professor doesn't explain a word or meaning, it's not because they assume you know it, it's because they're so used to saying the words that they just don't realize that you may not know the meaning.

SIX: Be Friendly
Law school is stressful and there will be times when you want to shut everyone out. One of the best pieces of advice that I could give is that it is crucial that you maintain friendly relationships with everyone. You never know who may hire you for a future job or who could be the next district judge. How awkward would it be if you had to represent a client in front of your law school arch-nemesis, Honorable Judge So-and-So?

SEVEN: Friends are Important
My friends are probably my biggest support system through law school. While my family and other friends know what I'm doing, it's really hard to understand just quite what being a law student involves. As a gift to you I asked them all what advice they would give. Here are their responses:

1. Make good friends who have your best interests at heart
2. Wine & ice cream
3. Networking (sometimes involving drinks)
4. Know that it's going to be difficult at times and accept that
5. Have a good cry if you need to, then pull your sh*t together because it's your future
6. Remember that the profs were in your position once
7. Keep in touch with your family and loved ones. It's easy to end communication with the world
8. Keep the hobbies that you had before you started
9. Organization is key
10. Force yourself out of your comfort zone