Saying Goodbye

I recently had to let go of a best friend because she was too toxic to my life. I really don't even like to post something on this topic. I think that too much time spent on negative thoughts is bad for one's well being. But it's also important to realize when something is more hurtful than helpful in your life. Sometimes it's necessary to say goodbye to people who are toxic. It's sad to say goodbye and it's hard to come to a realization that a once good friend could now be so bad for you, but trust me when I tell you that it's worth it in the end.

As an extravert, I've had a lot of friendships in my life. Some have been fantastic, some were out of of convenience, and some have been just bad for me. It takes a lot to be able to admit to yourself that a specific friendship is no longer in your best interest. It's even harder to think that a friendship that was once fantastic is now just bad. It's unnatural to think that human contact can result in negativity when our instinct is to be there for one another. Some past friends have measured the quality of our relationship solely by how often we spoke. I don't think that friendship should be measured by how many times a week you communicate. One friend in particular, when we finally did speak, I walked away feeling worse about my life. I told her about boys, jobs, and future plans and her comments were, "hm, well we never had the same taste in men," or "well...I don't really know what to say about that." I felt the need to constantly justify my actions to her. This girl always made it clear that her approval needed to be earned, but I reached the point where I was sick of trying to earn it. I tried to reorganize my thoughts to please her until I realized that my own happiness never needed her approval.

I don't have any ill wishes against this girl. I hope that she finds happiness and I hope that she'll be capable of becoming a true friend with genuine intentions, she just wasn't that for me. Maybe she's already capable of this. Maybe it was just our relationship. No matter what, our friendship together became toxic. Regardless of whether or not she is a good friend to someone else or if some of the issue was my fault, I can't have that in my life right now. 

Sometimes I miss her. I see pictures and wonder how she's doing. It's difficult not to reach out but I believe that breaking up with friends should be treated similarly to breaking up with a boyfriend. I've deleted her from my Snapchat and I've hidden her Facebook. I have no reminders of our friendship. Someday, I'll remember the good times we shared but right now, I need to move on. In the future I hope to see her happy. I hope she's successful. I want to be able to talk to her. Right now I just can't watch her day to day activity. It's too difficult when I know that I'm not a part of it anymore. Obsessing and checking someone's Facebook is allowing them into your life again. You might be doing it from the privacy of your bedroom, but it's not the world that matters, it's yourself. Allowing that person to become relevant in your thoughts when you need to be moving on only prolongs you getting over things. I know that I'm happy and more importantly, I know that without her in my life, I'm happier.