Moving On

Have you ever had that friend who is just perpetually single? Well, before my last relationship, that was me. I think there's a unique sense of enlightenment that comes to those who witness friend after friend go through relationships while you stay single. There's a certain amount of knowledge that you obtain because you get to experience the good and the bad without having to feel the heartache.

A good friend once said that relationships are what make life unique. I would agree. The problem is that in order to find meaningful relationships that will last a lifetime, you need to let go of the ones that won't.

So what's the best way to move on? From my experience, both witnessing and experiencing breakups, these are the tips that I would say are the most helpful to moving on:

Disclaimer: I am still happily in my oh-so-wonderful relationship with the Texan. Consider this a PSA for all my newly single friends.

ONE: Stop talking about it to everyone: it's perfectly healthy to talk to your closest friends or family about why it's time for you to move on or the struggles that you're facing. It's not, however, healthy to discuss every update with every person that you come into contact with. If moving on is what you're trying to do, then take the person out of your vocabulary as much as possible. It's not enough to stop seeing the person, you need to also kick them out of your head. How could you ever meet someone new and give them a fair chance if your ex is still taking up so much space in your thoughts?

TWO: Don't talk badly about the other person: this one is so difficult because the first reaction after a breakup is to be pissed. Focusing on the negatives and using your precious time to relay negative information to friends only makes your ex's presence more prominent in your life. You aren't hurting them by talking about all of the bad things, you're hurting yourself. Focusing on all the bad that happened will only upset you more. If you were able to come to the decision that it's best to move on from someone, then you're working towards your best interests. Focusing on things that will upset you will only take away from that progress. 

THREE: End all communication: this one is the most obvious, yet the most cheated. Communication with an ex will only do one of the following: (1) open the door to explore a possibility of things working out, when you already decided they shouldn't, (2) allow your heart to believe that things aren't as bad as they are, which won't last, or (3) postpone the bitter heartache, which you'll have to feel eventually. No matter what outcome you're hoping for, if you reached the conclusion that a relationship was not healthy for you, then you shouldn't be talking...through any forum.

FOUR: Don't let yourself think about it: even if you end all communication and have stopped discussing it, you still need to be able to control your thoughts. This one is the most difficult. It's so hard to get over someone when everything makes you think of them. After your anger subsides, the sadness kicks in and you remember all the good times. It's easy to pass the restaurant that you had your fist date at and let yourself relive the moment when you first felt butterflies. Don't. Don't let your mind go there. Yes, they may be happy memories, and yes, you may need to allow yourself to believe that it wasn't all bad. But that can come later. When you're over him, you can remember everything you went through with as much fondness as you want. During the process of getting over him though, just don't let yourself go there. Thinking about the good times and allowing yourself the memories of what was good will only weaken your resolve towards why things needed to end in the first place. 

FIVE: Stay busy: being alone allows your mind to wander to what once was. You feel lonely so you remember a time when you weren't. The times that you weren't lonely were most likely the good times and not the bad. When you focus on the good times, you forget why you ended things in the first place. If you can keep your body busy then your mind will follow. 

SIX: Embrace your fears: yes, you will be afraid that you won't love again. You'll fear that you'll be alone forever or that you let go of the best relationship that you could have had in this lifetime. There's no point in fighting that fear because no matter how rational you try to be or how many people tell you otherwise, those fears will still be present until you find someone else. The tricky part is that you can't find someone else while the fear still runs your life. If you're terrified that you won't ever find someone, then when you do, you won't be able to love with an open mind and heart because you'll be too focused on your fears. Embrace them. Know that so many people are right there with you. If you embrace the fact that you're scared of that future, you can come to terms with your irrational thoughts and become more stable in the dating process. 

SEVEN: Find happiness in the little things: it will start small. You might feel a flicker of happiness because a passing stranger smiled at you during a day when you've had enough. Eventually, you'll start to feel excitement about making plans with friends and getting out of the house. The things that you find happiness in will become more and more frequent until the happiness outweighs the sadness. Recognize that the sadness is normal but don't let it take over your life. Know that you can move on.

Finally and most importantly, don't forget. A relationship that once meant so much to you is now over. That means that the negative outweighed the positive for one or both of you. When looking back, it's easier to remember the good times because the bad isn't happening at that moment. You have to stay strong, though. You have to remember why letting go was the best for you and you have to know that you'll find love again. Because I promise, you will. Just remember that the easiest and fastest way to get there is by moving on. 

Saying Goodbye

I recently had to let go of a best friend because she was too toxic to my life. I really don't even like to post something on this topic. I think that too much time spent on negative thoughts is bad for one's well being. But it's also important to realize when something is more hurtful than helpful in your life. Sometimes it's necessary to say goodbye to people who are toxic. It's sad to say goodbye and it's hard to come to a realization that a once good friend could now be so bad for you, but trust me when I tell you that it's worth it in the end.

As an extravert, I've had a lot of friendships in my life. Some have been fantastic, some were out of of convenience, and some have been just bad for me. It takes a lot to be able to admit to yourself that a specific friendship is no longer in your best interest. It's even harder to think that a friendship that was once fantastic is now just bad. It's unnatural to think that human contact can result in negativity when our instinct is to be there for one another. Some past friends have measured the quality of our relationship solely by how often we spoke. I don't think that friendship should be measured by how many times a week you communicate. One friend in particular, when we finally did speak, I walked away feeling worse about my life. I told her about boys, jobs, and future plans and her comments were, "hm, well we never had the same taste in men," or "well...I don't really know what to say about that." I felt the need to constantly justify my actions to her. This girl always made it clear that her approval needed to be earned, but I reached the point where I was sick of trying to earn it. I tried to reorganize my thoughts to please her until I realized that my own happiness never needed her approval.

I don't have any ill wishes against this girl. I hope that she finds happiness and I hope that she'll be capable of becoming a true friend with genuine intentions, she just wasn't that for me. Maybe she's already capable of this. Maybe it was just our relationship. No matter what, our friendship together became toxic. Regardless of whether or not she is a good friend to someone else or if some of the issue was my fault, I can't have that in my life right now. 

Sometimes I miss her. I see pictures and wonder how she's doing. It's difficult not to reach out but I believe that breaking up with friends should be treated similarly to breaking up with a boyfriend. I've deleted her from my Snapchat and I've hidden her Facebook. I have no reminders of our friendship. Someday, I'll remember the good times we shared but right now, I need to move on. In the future I hope to see her happy. I hope she's successful. I want to be able to talk to her. Right now I just can't watch her day to day activity. It's too difficult when I know that I'm not a part of it anymore. Obsessing and checking someone's Facebook is allowing them into your life again. You might be doing it from the privacy of your bedroom, but it's not the world that matters, it's yourself. Allowing that person to become relevant in your thoughts when you need to be moving on only prolongs you getting over things. I know that I'm happy and more importantly, I know that without her in my life, I'm happier. 

Why Date?

It’s so hard to meet people. That’s something that I’ve both heard and experienced. Generations are becoming more and more jaded towards traditional dating. It's usually more creepy than flattering when a man approaches a woman. Having social media and the internet at our fingertips has allowed us to think that everything we could want is right there. Dating websites have become more prevalent because the use of smart phones has taken away the chance of random encounters. We live in an age when it’s rare to be asked on a date, let alone actually go to dinner. I have friends in their mid-twenties who have never been on a formal date. I know women who are struggling to meet someone because it's just so impossible to force these experiences. 

Have you ever heard the statement that when you send a girl a text message you should also consider it sent to all of her friends? Unfortunately, there is too much truth to that. Don't get me wrong; I believe that a lot of discussions and experiences should be shared just between the two people in a relationship. However...my girlfriends know much more about my relationship than I think my boyfriend would ever assume. Truthfully that goes for any girl in my group of friends. We all know and talk about our relationships and experiences openly. It's how we bond. It's both a therapy session and entertainment. Women have always shared secrets and communicated this way but as times are changing, so are the means to communicate. It's much more accessible to tell my friends about the boyfriend when he does something cute.

Twenty years ago, I would have had to stockpile all of my stories for the next time that the ladies and I were all together. Now, we have a group text and it's used more frequently than any other contact in my phone. This means that cute moments and funny messages that are deemed worth sharing get sent moments after they're received. The amount of screenshot messages that we share amongst ourselves would be truly terrifying to any male.

It's become so normal to me to have this outlet that sometimes I forget how much it hinders our everyday lives. We forget that some things aren't meant to be shared. When we're together, it's still a great time, but maybe by living through the texting communication, we're taking away from social interactions that could enhance our friendships.

As someone who has to endure a long-distance relationship, I do appreciate that the boyfriend and I can talk over every form of social media. I think that this would be much more difficult if we didn't communicate through email, Trivia Crack, Facebook, text, FaceTime and telephone calls (obsessive, no?) But I still think it's so important that we realize where our generation is heading and why it may not be the best for our relationships in the future. Understanding and appreciating the classic foundation building may be an essential key to happier futures. Too often, couples become involved without having any meaningful face to face communication and it's quite unfortunate.

The negativity of this post is stemmed from my frustration in the struggle that many of my closest friends are dealing with. I was one of the lucky ones and my relationship began with the two of us forming a foundation during various dates. My heart goes out to my friends as they struggle to meet someone significant and I wish that things were easier. I wish that it wasn't necessary to try to push a connection with the AT&T Customer Service Rep (this happened) because options are so limited. I love technology as much as the next Millennial child but maybe, just maybe, we're missing out on really great opportunities because society has started to offer us too any technological options.

7 Tips to Succeed in Law School

I'm in the middle of my second term of law school and while it's a crazy adventure with deadlines and sleepless nights, the one thing that I want to emphasize is this: it's not as difficult as everyone tells you.

Law school is a unique kind of grad school. It requires a lot of reading and even more arguing. You're encouraged to disagree with the teacher (so long as you can back up your argument.) You will challenge your own beliefs and question yourself. Applying the law to an argument that you need to win is both frustrating and invigorating. I can promise you this: if you're planning on embarking on the journey that is law school, you will change. I believe that it's possible to negatively change, but if you hold on to who you are and what you believe, it's absolutely possible to become a far better version of yourself.

From everything that I've learned, here are 7 easy tips to know before going in to law school in order to have a great time and succeed:

ONE: Know Yourself
So much of the first term is spent comparing yourself to your peers. I constantly asked if I was studying enough or if my outline was right. At the end of the day, I had to determine what was right for me. That happened to be many colorful, disjointed, and handwritten outlines. One friend would use flashcards and another friend wouldn't need an outline at all. There's no reason to compare yourself to your peers because in the end, you have to remember the information and only you know your own brain. If possible, try to start your law school journey knowing what study techniques work best for you.

TWO: Get involved
A lot of students think that it's wise to not get involved in their first term in order to focus on studying. My personal belief is quite the opposite. I think that you should get as involved as you want in your first term. Keep in mind that you need to study and put school first but the more you're involved and the more your face is seen, the more you'll be thought of for projects and opportunites. Meeting and knowing people opens doors. I will never regret getting too involved and yet I know friends who regret not getting more involved.

THREE: Plan Ahead
Whether you're doing law school in 2 years or 5 years, plan ahead. Know what classes you want to take and what clubs you want to get involved in. If you have no idea, then learn more so that you'll be able to decide. A lot of clubs have prerequisite classes. Many organizations are really great resume builders depending on what future you see. Put together a law school bucket list and start asking about what you need to do to achieve it.

FOUR: Use the Resources
All of the advisors and resources are there for you. If you have a free search engine, learn how to use it. The better that you understand Westlaw or Nexis, the more marketable you'll be when you need to get a job. Meet with the advisors and teachers. Get all of your questions answered and polish your resume while you still have professionals who will help. Many students don't take advantage of everything that a law school offers as part of the educational journey.

FIVE: Don't Feel Stupid
It's okay if you don't know what a plaintiff is. It's acceptable if you need to ask why jurisdictions matter. Don't feel stupid if you have to ask the professor or fellow students a question. If you're thinking it, chances are that others are as well anyways. If a professor doesn't explain a word or meaning, it's not because they assume you know it, it's because they're so used to saying the words that they just don't realize that you may not know the meaning.

SIX: Be Friendly
Law school is stressful and there will be times when you want to shut everyone out. One of the best pieces of advice that I could give is that it is crucial that you maintain friendly relationships with everyone. You never know who may hire you for a future job or who could be the next district judge. How awkward would it be if you had to represent a client in front of your law school arch-nemesis, Honorable Judge So-and-So?

SEVEN: Friends are Important
My friends are probably my biggest support system through law school. While my family and other friends know what I'm doing, it's really hard to understand just quite what being a law student involves. As a gift to you I asked them all what advice they would give. Here are their responses:

1. Make good friends who have your best interests at heart
2. Wine & ice cream
3. Networking (sometimes involving drinks)
4. Know that it's going to be difficult at times and accept that
5. Have a good cry if you need to, then pull your sh*t together because it's your future
6. Remember that the profs were in your position once
7. Keep in touch with your family and loved ones. It's easy to end communication with the world
8. Keep the hobbies that you had before you started
9. Organization is key
10. Force yourself out of your comfort zone

How to do Long Distance: Buy Him Cheese

No couple begins a relationship hoping to date over thousands of miles. Candlelight dinners and walks along the beach don't exactly happen when the primary contact you have is through a telephone. I can't say that I ever expected to be in a long distance relationship, but alas, here we are.

My boyfriend and I met in law school in March. He had a strict don't-date-fellow-students policy and I had a strict don't-date-anyone-who-will-leave-Michigan policy. His reasoning was pretty simple: don't complicate things by mixing your personal and your academic lives. As for me; I always wanted to settle down by my mother. When I moved back to Grand Rapids, I never expected to leave again. Falling in love with someone who didn't live in Michigan would potentially threaten my plan (and I don't like to change my plans.) Needless to say, one thing led to another and when he moved back to Texas, the only feasible solution was to begin our long-distance relationship.

It's been hard but nice. I went from seeing my boyfriend every day to seeing his face on the computer for a few hours a week. The adjustment was a roller coaster and things are just now becoming my new normal. When he first left, we would FaceTime for hours everyday. We spoke on the phone every single night and I would get upset if he wouldn't respond to my texts. I tried to compensate for his physical presence by pushing the communication. I wasn't sleeping enough and every other area of my life was taking a hit for being neglected. Talking to him became my number one priority.

After a few weeks, we both learned how to show each other that we care without putting our lives on hold to do it. We talk about our future and we communicate when we can. I don't talk to him unless it's convenient to my schedule. That being said, I've come to learn that showing someone that you care, especially when you're doing long-distance, is so important.

On to the cheesy part (see what I did there?),
The boyfriend and I have quite a fondness of cheese. We would frequent a small cheese store in Grand Rapids and make fondue. Our wine and cheese nights became a regular thing. He loves cheese, I love cheese. Ironically, I have quite a bit of family in Wisconsin. Wisconsin is the cheese state. Are you seeing the connection?

I was in Wisconsin this past weekend and was able to learn about all of the favorite cheeses from my family (who, as Wisconsin natives, also love cheese). The place that my Grandma goes to for her cheese is able to ship packages to Texas. Thus, my brilliant idea was born. Why not send my cheese-loving-boyfriend a package of cheese from the Cheese State?  My order included cheese curds and cheese whips, salami cheese and other flavored cheese. He hasn't gotten it yet but I'll let you know how it goes.

Here's the link to the website in case you want your own cheese curds:
http://gibbsvillecheese.com

The Awkward First Post

In my experience, the decision to start a blog involves many different emotional stages. First is the excitement and ideas of what you want to talk about. Your mind is just consumed with topics and website layouts. You become convinced that through the blog, you'll be able to change the world. I'm not even joking; you feel so empowered by your hypothetical blog and it's hypothetical success with humanity. Then the excitement dwindles and you hit the second stage: realization. You begin to question how these ideas will actually come to fruition and you realize how difficult the process might actually be. Finally, and because it's all just too difficult, you hit the point where you give up. I'm here to tell you friends, for the first time in my blogging career, I was able to pass the point where I gave up. 

And thus, The Bailey Chat was created. 

So here's some information that you may or may not care to read. I grew up in West Michigan. I'm a proud graduate of The University of Michigan (Go Blue!) and now I attend Western Michigan Thomas M. Cooley Law School. I grew up with four brothers, my mother is my best friend and I can become friends with anyone I come into contact with. I'm in a long distance relationship with a Texan. I love to stay active and workout as well as eating healthy and trying new recipes. I'm a compulsive organizer when stressed out and my roommate is insane (in a good way...I love her. )

This blog will more or less be about the crazy, unique, and insane life that I'm living and the things that I do to not only handle it but excel in it.